Halo Shorts
by Urist McAuthor
Summary: A series of one shots pertaining to Halo and Halo Wars. All Comedy, all the time, even if I'm not at all funny. Top of the T rating. Chapter seven, Starring me!
1. Cyrus: The Error Of Cargo Ship 3

Disclaimer:** I do not own Halo, or anything, really.**

A.N: **Welcome to Halo Shorts! No, not the shorts Master Chief wears in Bermuda, A series of one shots concerning the many characters in Halo! This first one is a Halo Wars based short concerning the takeoff of Cargo Ship 3. Yes, that's right, that stupid pilot that takes off even when you completely protect the Bastard.**

**But I digress...**

**You may find that the formatting is a little different than Albus Potter's. I don't care.**

**Here we go!**

* * *

*THE ERROR OF CARGO SHIP 3*  
***Starring**:Cyrus the Spartan*

"This is Cargo Ship 3! Screw the evac!" shouted the pilot.

"Cargo 3, this is forge! Do not take off!"

"I hate my life!" cried the pilot, slitting his wrists with a pencil.

A banshee flew by and did a double take.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" screamed the Pilot.

The banshee flew by again, a yellow clad spartan pounding repeatedly on the front.

"Screw this." Muttered Cyrus, and he climbed into the cockpit of the banshee. "Much better."

"I want to die!" Cried the pilot. He did that alot.

"Shut up, you cry baby!" Shouted Cyrus, blasting apart grunts like confetti.

"Merry Christmas!" Shouted a grunt, lobbing a plasma grenade, which bounced of Cyrus, rebounded off the wing of the Cargo ship and landed on another grunt, who screamed and ran off to find someone important to explode on.

"I'm going to jettison myself in space!" Cried the pilot.(_Told you_!)

"_**Alright that's enough**_!" Shouted Cyrus, who turned around and dropped a massive plasma bomb directly onto the wing of the spacecraft.

"Someone help me kill myself, Plea-" Cried the pilot, until the ship exploded. But against the captains will, the cockpit stayed perfectly intact, protecting him but leaving everyone else on the ship who didn't want to die right in the middle of the explosion.

"Whoops." Said Cyrus, Understandably nonplussed at the situation. I mean, who would be happy that you killed all the grunts?


	2. Anders: The Big Blue Button

Disclaimer: **I do not own Halo**

___________________________________________

*The Big Blue Button*  
***Starring**: Anders*

Professor Anders had no idea where in the hell she was. Infact, She didn't know much about anything at all, but she called herself proffessor because she was still the smartest person in the UNSC fleet. After all, she could read Dr. Seuss.

The Arbiter was in front of her then.

"Release her." He said. She plopped on the floor and he picked her up like a ragdoll.

She forgot alot of what hapened directly afterward. Some words were exchanged, as were blows, and she thought that at one point she was asked out to dinner. But she did remember the Big, Blue Button.

It was round, in a geodesic sort of way, and every logo to every company ever made by grunt society was there, and a symbol that looked very much like a lemur.

The Arbiter pressed her hand against it before running off to go drink some tea. Anders watched the Forerunner ships extend ever so slowly before doing what any reasonable person would do.

She pressed every bit of the Big, Blue Button.

The results were very quick. She simultaniously shut down the _entire_ Covenant fleet, hacked the Foreunner computer network, fired the entire Presidential Cabinet, and Rickroll'd The Prophet of Regret.

Anders didn't notice all that, But she did notice the Elites staring at her angrily. She sprinted at her previous cell, and the Elites sprinted at her. Luckily, she was a bit faster.

"**OPEN SESAME**!" screamed Anders, and she teleported to the surface.

"Open Sesame." said the elite who reached the pad first.

"Don't feel like it." said the Teleporter, yawning.


	3. Forge:Cowbell

**Disclaimer: I do not own Halo, or anything, really.**

**A.N: Wherin Forge finds the Cowbell skull. Hehehe.**

* * *

*Cowbell*  
***Starring**: Forge*

BOOM! The shotgun went off, and a grunt collapsed.

"Spirit, this is Forge. I need backup!" Forge shouted into the little walkie talkie he was equipped with. Another Hunter pair stepped in front of him.

"Come get some!" He shouted.

BOOM! SHUCK-CHUCK BOOM! BANG!

Forge glanced around, because that last blast wasn't his shotgun. A little skull, to small for a human, was sitting placidly in the middle of the room. Forge leaned over (dodging a plasma bolt,) and picked it up.

poof.

Somehow the soft soud could be heard over the din of the surrounding battle. Then forge turned around and pandemonium broke out.

With a loud thwack a grunt, who had a ruptured methane tank, blasted violently through the ceiling. A marauding elite, who was behind Forges line, suddenly found himself flying twenty feet into the dark abyss below. One poor marine shot off his rifle and flew back almost to meet the elite in his resting place.

Forge smiled.

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM!

entire flocks of enemies flew back, shocked to find physics gone haywire.

"Forge this is Spirit. We're sending in some grizzlies to your position. Hold on, help is on the way." Click.

Forge gulped, and then Harvest imploded.


	4. John117: Rehab, Spartan Style

**Disclaimer: I do not, never have, and never will own Halo.**

**Authors joke: What do you call an angry spartan?**

**Whatever the hell he wants.**

**Seriously, though, if you have an idea for a short, post a review or PM me! I tend to suffer from writers block badly, so any ideas will be welcome!**

__________________________________________________  
*Intervention Spartan Style*  
***Starring**:John-117*

The cyro tube opened with a Whoosh, spewing mist into the cargo bay of the Pillar of Autumn. The crackle of thawing ice was like firecrackers in the cyro bay.

"Good morning Sunshine! The sun says hello!" Said Cortana happily as John stepped wearily out of the tube.

"Screw you." John wasn't a morning person.

"But you havn't even bought me dinner yet!" Joked Cortana. The Chief looked at her with pure malice.

"Shut it, or I'll tear out your hard drive and use it to play hockey." He froze.

"what the sam hell..."

There was a woman in the cargo bay, a spartan in yellow armor, with a red stripe across her forehead. A nametag on her armor identified her as Alice.

Alice launched herself at the chief, ramming into him like a rhino. Her fists ducked left and right, and she head butted John with vigor every chance she got.

"Oh, look. We have a visitor." Cortana sat back, eating a holographic display of some popcorn.

"How the-OW!- hell did-Gaumph!" That last one was the Chief getting kneed in the face by Alice.

"You-bloody-_bastard_!" Alice accentuated every word with an uppercut.

"What did I- Ooph!"

"You left me on harvest to rot, you never called, you took me to McDonalds for our first date, what the hell _didn't_ you do?!" Cried Alice, backing off and collapsing into a wailing lump.

"Oh." Chief looked around at the cargo bay, everywhere but Alice's visor.

"I may have been a little, Er, Stoned..."

"Say what?"

"I had a bad pot habit back then..." Cortana choked on her popcorn.

"Chief, What did you do before you were on the Pillar of Autumn?"

"Everything but steroids."

"that explains why you die so easily. I mean, I just get up after awhile. You just...lay there." said Alice.

Chief looked back and forth between the two women. "Are you two gonna put me in rehab?"

"Yep." Said Cortana, obviously using all of her subtlety programming.

* * *

_**Dun Dun Dunnnn!**_


	5. The Covanant: The Show

**A.N : If you ever wondered how grunts dance, here's your anwser; Badly.**

__________________________________________  
*_IN THE CARGO BAY_*  
*Starring:Da' Grunts and Ze Wang-heli*

"Lets get this party started! First up, DA' GRUNTS!" cried the elite announcer at the top of his lungs. As De' Grunts walked up on stage, cheers rose from the grunt side of the room, The elites booed, and Hunters recited poetry. Bad poetry.

A horrible screeching noise rose from the speakers. Da' Grunts were dancing to a bad cover of "Cheer Up" played by a small team of discoordinated brutes who were attempting with some success at brutally murdering everybody in the room with music.

Da' Grunts started... Moving... or somthing to that nature. One in the back was certainly trying to do the Sprinkler, and was failing miserably. Another slid off the stage on his forearms, landing on a jackal that was sleeping next to the stage. The jackal would later be found gnawing on the grunts arm in the girls bathroom.

Da' Grunts were ushered hastily offstage, and Ze Wang-heli clambered up, trying to climb a ladder and make obscene gestures at the women in the crowd at the same time. After they abandoned their attempts, they made it up onto the stage. With a decible level loud enough to shatter stone, the brute band began mauling their instruments again. The song was as unrecognizeable as Ze Wang-heli dancing.

During the "entertainment", one Hunter wrote this haiku:

Pain never stopping make big hunter ears bleed bad kill self tomorrow

Which sums up the night quite nicely. The highlight of the horror was when a satanic-metal rock band with brute members stepped up on stage. the large majority of the ship checked themselves into the infirmary immediately, the hunter followed through, and those few who stayed to watch the show were evaporated by the sheer noise.

The moral of the story: NEVER LET BRUTES PLAY MUSIC!


	6. Regret: Tomato People

A/N: Review! I can see you looking at this but I can't know what your thinking if you don't post. The only inkling I can get is wether or not you move on to the next chapter, and that has alot less detail than I like, so Review!

_  
*Tomato People*  
*Starring: The Prophet of Regret*

The Prophet of Regret sat looking out the transparent wall of his bedroom, idly stroking the folds of his robes with one finger. He was deep in thought. A grunt held up his robes some way behind him, putting as much distance as possible between him and the mad prophet muttering softly before the window.  
"Gribbles?" the prophet said, beckoning to the poor little alien. Gribbles trotted over to stand beside him, loyalty overcoming utter terror.  
"Gribbles, Do you see that star?" he pointed to the star in question. "That star contains a race, a new species that would be useful for the Covenant. That star," he paused for dramatic effect, "Contains a race of Tomato People, a race we can harvest for food!"  
Gribbles wet himself, but stood in position next to the prophet.  
"We could use that race of Tomato People, and so we will take their world! I want them. I want them NOW!" his last shout carried through the ship like thunder. Gribbles collapsed into a shivering heap on the floor, but Regret continued rambling without noticing.  
"THEY THINK THEY CAN STAY AWAY FROM THE EYE OF THE COVENANT, BUT THEY ARE WRONG! THE GODS SEE ALL! THE GODS SEE ALL!" Gribbles was now crying. "AND THEY HOPE THAT WE WILL SPARE THEM, BUT WE WILL NOT! THEY WILL TREMBLE AS OUR SHIPS TURN THEIR PLANET TO GLASS, AND NOT EVEN THEIR- Oh wait, wrong speech. Ahem..." The prophet looked around to see if anyone had noticed his slip up. Thats when he noticed Gribbles, who was slowly crawling twords the door, crying and shaking.  
" My dear boy, Whatever has gotten into you?" Regret asked sweetly.  
Gribbles collapsed again.

_____________________________________________________

And now we know why we won the war. 


	7. Urist: Mastur Chaif rated 16 and up

A/N: I Own Halo. I bought it with all the money I made selling lemonade, and Bungie programmers scrub my feet in the bathtub while I recline and eat grapes. My lemonade is that good.

_  
*Mastur Chaif*  
*Starring: Urist McAuthor*

Mastur Chaif took of f his helmet too look Cool while he rided his motercicle down the street. It was a black stree t , and Mastur Chaif was hott on it, because black absoorbs the sunlite.

Urist reclined back in the chair, looking fondly over his new creation. After spell checking (Which he didn't know why he did, it was wrong on every account anyways,) he locked his hands behind his head and leaned even farther back.  
Right into the visor of Master Chief. Oh god.  
Urist froze. Chief kept staring, probably blinking, but as his eyes were hidden, no one could tell. This, combined with the fact that Chief had a battle rifle pointed directly at his head probably prompted what happened next.  
Urist leapt at least 5 feet in the air while attempting to turn several directions at once. This ended up dumping him right on top of his cat. The feline yowled, prompting another olympic leap that placed him right back where he started, although slightly more scratched.  
"That yours?" Growled Master Chief.  
"Y-Y-" Stammered Urist.  
Master Chief looked at the next paragraph.

Mastur Chaif wigled a funger at Coortana, who wa s beeing hott and sexxy by the motercicle. she similed and loered her hed...

Master Chief looked quickly away. Urist was still stammering an explaination in the chair. With a sigh the Spartan made a little mark on a clip board hung on his belt.  
"Expect someone to pick you up. Possibly. Maybe they'll just shoot you instead." He took a quick glance at the badly written... thing on the screen. "I don't give a damn either way, frankly." With that, a massive hole was torn in the roof quite suddenly and without warning. Master Chief waved a merry goodbye at the trrified little man in the chair as he was raised up into the Covenant ship waiting above.

***

"So, how'd it go?" asked the Arbiter curiously.  
"Pr0nz." Replied the Chief.  
"Did it have potential?" Arbiter prodded.  
"yeah, I guess. If you like that kind of stuff."  
"Will anyone review?"  
"These are the halo boards. Everything not Red vs Blue gets read."  
"Point, but still..."  
"If Urist writes something good, I will personally stalk and kill anyone who doesn't review."  
And then they both looked directly at the reader. 


	8. Alice: Steroids IN SPAAAACE!

Madness? THIS. IS... o.k, probably madness. Whatever, I don't listen to you! *sob*  
_I do not own halo. I wish I did, because then it would be 10 times more awesome then it already is._  
*Steroids. IN SPAAAAAACE!*  
*Starring: Terrified Marine, Alice (Halo Wars)*

Alice pressed her helmet over her head and it sealed with a hiss of rushing air. The HUD fizzled fizzled for a moment, as it always did, but a single tap on the side fixed the issue. Alice muttered something about "Shitty Mk IIIs, but as no-one was around to hear it so it didn't make a sound.  
Of course, even narrators are wrong sometimes. A marine stepped into the room, a very nervous look on his face. The seven foot tall Spartan looked down at him from beneath her emotionless visor. The breathing filters could just be heard, barely overpowering the soft hum of a spaceship in mid-flight.  
"What is it?" She asked, but her voice came out of the helmet like a growl. Damn Spartan treatments.  
"They- They dared me to ask..."  
"Ask what?" Alice said, expecting something stupid like him having to date her or something.  
"Does-" He gulped. "Does the spartan treatment give you funny-balls?"  
The silence in the compartment was almost palpable. even the Spirit of Fire seemed to stop her flight in shock.  
"That... That may be the weirdest question anyones ever asked me." Said Alice finally. "I actually don't know. You realize I'm a girl, right?"  
"Oh! Oh. Oh, I'm so so so so sorry!" stammered the marine.  
"It's the shit they put in my neck. It fucks with my vocal cords. No problem."  
"I'll get out now, then. Thank you, sir-Madame! Madame! Thank you madame!" And he quickly started for the door.  
"If you want an answer, don't, whatever you do, don't, ask Douglas. You know how he is."  
"The marine nodded his thanks and closed the door. Alice laughed a bit and followed him outside before turning for the armory. 


End file.
